last entry

people, this is my new blog:

Roaring Twenties

nothing much in there yet. it’s a NEW blog.

Let me know what you think about the layout. good news! there’s a chatbox for you spammers, haters and those lovely people who’d like to drop me a message without having to click on so many links.

p.s. my mom just came into my room and cried at the thought of me leaving on saturday. actually, she sobbed. as for me, i’m thrilled at the idea of having so much cash on me and much more in my uncle’s bank account that all i can think of is shopping shopping and more shopping.  scratch that, i’m a little emo over leaving and the sense of dread gets stronger as saturday looms nearer, but that’s about it.

fickle-minded

i’ve lost the ability to stay loyal. i’m contempating on switching back to blogger with a brand new blog using the lame excuse of me stepping into the second decade of my life. however, this blog will not be deleted because it documented my growing pains and recorded some lovely memories since i was the age of 16.

however, i’d like a new start on a clean slate. call it an attempt to wash away the mistakes and memories i’d like to erase. it is easier to dwell in the past than to start anew. it takes a whole lot of courage, which i think i am channelling the excess of it into something as insignificant and trivial as starting a new blog, instead of focusing my energy on more global-changing issues.

mid-day musings

i met up with a friend last week and jon, my ex-boyfriend, popped up in our conversation. jon and i parted on very bad terms and neither of us attempted to restore an amicable (fill in the blanks. i can’t think of any politically correct word. ‘relationship’ sounds wrong. it’s not a friendship either.) we barely speak to one another at the turn of 2009 and never bumped into each other since new year’s day.

curiosity prompted my friend to enquire whether i have any plans of extending a handshake before i leave, putting all the mistakes and hurtful things we’ve done to one another behind us to avoid any awkward moments during future encounter. a kind friend he is, quoting examples of how estranged couples ended up as best friends. i laughed at the idea that day, saying it will be unnecessary to do so. since i will be leaving soon, future encounter will be scarce. i’ve put the past behind me, but it doesn’t mean i’ll have to force a friendship out of it.

let bygones be bygones.

while the echo of my laughter is still ringing in my head, Fate has things his way. twice in a week i bumped into jon, or rather i met him on the road. the first encounter happened on monday while driving my brother to tuition. with brother grumbling at the backseat about how he would be getting it from his teacher for being late, i was secretly cursing the slow driver in front of me before realizing it was jon. i took it as a chance encounter as we both live in the same town and a good friend of his lives in the same neighbourhood as i do. it’s just natural that we should bump into each other. 

however, a second encounter again today, just a day apart from the first encounter, reminded me of my conversation with that friend of mine. i was up extra early today to drive my maternal grandmother to the hospital. groggy-eyed and thinking of hot coffee  i was, when i noticed the black myvi in front. at first i thought my eyes were failing me but a second look at the license plate confirmed that it was jon alright. yet, i wasn’t too sure about it because there wasn’t a sheep thing (a token of love from his current girlfriend. something he will not discard even during our rendezvous back then) hanging from the car’s rear-view mirror. i was later distracted by my grandmother and put that little encounter out of my mind…until now.

a friend of mine puts it more accurately than the rest: i’m one who sits on my throne, waiting for those willing to climb the flights of stairs to get to me, instead of walking down the stairs and approach the people. it’s the same when it comes to extend apologies and patching things up. a natural stuck-up, i am. yet in this case, it’s for the better of both, to lessen the dramas in his already dramatic life and create no drama in my peaceful life.

of course, i’d like to mention, in case there are any misunderstandings: i have ceased to harbour any romantic sentiments and hatred towards jon, nor do i bear any grudge against him. i have yet to chance upon another man in my life, though i’ve met a few delightful ones. but i have the least expectation for that as i’m savouring other things life has to offer.

i’ll let pictures do the talking

 

 

 

 

spent a little over rm1000 today. got myself a samsonite laptop bag. one which can be used as a sling bag, back-pack, hand-carry (horizontally and vertically).  nearly got a victorinox one instead but decided to save up. went to g2000 and collected my pants. have yet to find a suitable white button-up shirt. will try zara if i have the chance this week. still maintain the view that guys look best in button-up shirts, a pair of jeans and CLEAN shoes.

i have yet to get my in-flight read too. currently reading vladimir nabokov’s lolita. it’s…well, perversive. but the lively imageries used to portray the innocence of a girl-child and the dark, forboding images used to present the menace of humbert humbert reflects a striking contrast which grips readers’ attention. anyway, if i can’t find a nice paperback, i might read catcher in the rye…for the third time. i will check-in around 8:30pm or so and my flight is 9:35pm. i need to do something to spend time, or i will be calling people to say goodbye. but that sounds like a good idea too. i’m just afraid i might cry and spoil my friends’ valentines night.

i’m filled with great gratitude for the many people who have provided me with comfort and solace. thank you for making me realized i’m not as lousy as i thought myself to be. you know who you are, my dears.

i’m going to sleep…at 10:45pm.

recollection of a moonless night

a moment ago i was lying on my bed with my eyes closed, feeling most contented. such contentment reminded me of one particular evening when i was out with my friend…

it wasn’t evening, to be exact. it was well past midnight. i was in the car and it was a long ride home. the window on my side was down. with the car travelling at 90km/hr to 110km/hr, all i could hear was the sound of wind rushing past my ear as the car cruised along the highway. the world was asleep, or tucked in earlier, looking forward to the day where children return home and cousins come to play. hence the streets were quieter than usual, without the usual weekend drunkards and robust youths.

it was a hot and stuffy night. i was hazy with sleepiness after an evening of bickering under the star-lit night…well, i spent the later half of the evening playing the part of a listener. i was already on auto-pilot when we left the establishment. yet it was most comfortable having the wind brushing against my cheek and i was delighted.

eventually, the car came to a stop at the traffic light, a very busy junction during the day. yet, it was empty on that night, except for a few policemen at the opposite end setting up a road block, already a normal sight for those nocturnal crawlers. all i could hear was the rumbling of car engine echoed on the empty roads, apart from the sudden croak of the clutch as the lights turned green.

as the car sped along the highway, i was deeply absorbed in the wind’s caress and the serenity of the night, so much so that i took off my hairband, allowing the wind to tousle my hair. i knew that i risk looking like madwoman who hasn’t combed her hair for days when i reach home, but i was too immersed in my feelings to be bothered. it was a straight and long stretch of road all the way home. the wind against my hair… it was simply a wonderful feeling, like the gentle caress of a lover. i’m soothed by it.

there wasn’t much conversation between my friend and i throughout the ride home. with the gushing wind, it was not possible to talk without yelling. so i was left without any distraction to feel the night. finally, i was at my doorstep. i felt like a drugged person, oddly contented and peaceful. as i bade my friend goodnight, i had the strange urge to envelope him in a hug, a futile attempt to let him know that i am at peace with myself and maybe, he could feel a bit of what i was feeling. the last thing i remembered of the night was me changing out of my clothes and buried myself under the sheets… 

i guess i sound like i was drugged. but i was not. i was in safe company.

i’ve been staying up till late recently, sitting at the porch looking over the dark golf course ahead or listening to cicadas humming their love songs. one might even hear an exotic bird’s strange call in the wee hours of morning too. of course, there have been quite a few times i was out with friends till late. yet, as i’m experiencing the same odd serenity right now, i’m reminded strongly of the sound of the wind, my hair coming out of its place and brushing against my cheek on that moonless night.

alright, i’m off to sleep. yes, at 11:30pm. i’m adjusting my biological clock again.

is it just me or it is becoming a fact that my english, spoken and written, is getting worse by the day?

at last

i’ve started packing, i.e. taking out my possessions.

i guess the putting-into-the-luggage part will come next week.

 

 

this is the state of my room right now.

actually, i’ve cleared up a bit of the mess and rearranged my things before i took this picture.

it all look so easy on tv where the characters just throw everything into the luggage and storm out of the house. me, on the other hand, have to consider limited luggage space and weight.

it feels weird staring at my half-empty drawers. i feel like a stranger in my own room.

blue

i woke up this evening feeling a little lost. an incident that took place merely an hour before my nap suddenly seemed so surreal, as if it happened not in reality but in my dream. yet the incident did take place, one which i thought i would be able to savour while the memory of it is still fresh, and hopefully, preserve bits and pieces of it. 

after dinner, i watched the bodyguard on my laptop for the third time and found myself crying at the end of the movie. not that the movie is especially touching, but rather the movie acted as a force that pulled a trigger which resulted in an emotional breakdown. i wonder what is wrong with me though. i guess the most probable answer will be non other than the infamous pms.

right now, i’m listening to inger marie gunderson’s rendition of i don’t wanna talk about it. it’s a lovely mellow song suitable for late night listening, best with a glass of wine to unwind. i love to put my itunes on shuffle mode. yet recently, it keeps singling out emo songs that pull my heartstrings everytime i listen to it. either they are songs with lyrics that touches my heart or songs that brings back images of the past, despite my huge archive of winebar classics and bossa nova.

one more thing: i dread to leave my family and friends, the people who have been my source of comfort, places where i seek solace, my comfort zone and the routine of life over here. in other words, i dread to be thrown into the unexpected and strange environment to start all over again. yet i’ve been told this is the process of life. a bird will finally leave its nest, so will i.

i promised myself to sleep before 11pm today. it’s already 12:36am. then again, i suppose it’s alright because waking up too early these days make my day longer with nothing much to do.

SAMMY, PLEASE START PACKING.

3am

it’s nearing three in the morning and here i am, wide awake, staring at the contact list on my msn messenger with no interest of striking a conversation with anybody though i’m having brief conversations with a few friends. right now, i’m just typing for the sake of typing as a familiar song came up on the playlist, one which bring back memories that i’ve tucked away carefully.

just a short one

do you know how it feels like missing someone?

it sucks.

on the 6th day of chinese new year

if it wasn’t  for the fact that i will be leaving in two weeks’ time, i would have allowed myself to develop romantic sentiments for a guy i met and fall head over heels over him, instead of playing it cool and suppressing my feelings. it drives me crazy, the whole lot of mystery and not-knowing what is going on. yet it’s perfectly enjoyable.

*yawn* i really want to go out with a friend tonight but i can’t bring myself even to say ‘ok let’s go out’ while i am lazing around in bed. well, basically it’s wrong timing because i’m already lazing in bed and desire nothing but an early night in. how should i put it? part of me dreads to go out but my body refuses to pull itself out of the clasp of my warm yet evil blanket. my fortune cookie said:

“do not turn down any social gathering. something unexpected will come out of it.”

i’ve already turned down two in a row and am now reading the other boleyn girl…the part where william stafford declares his love for mary. sometimes it’s great to escape reality for a while.